12:31 in the afternoon

just came out from Dr. Lee office

glad that I am not an easily cry person

glad an hour of scolding was over

I guess

she was right

and wrong at the same time

she asked what did I learnt in this 4 years

I answered with an honest answer

well, part of it

I said I learned a lot, bad and good things

I would have elaborate it if she allows

she was right

right in me being irresponsible for being a student

and she was so right

that I am lazy and I have no intention in changing it

I am one of the fish in the stream,

and I am just following the flow, not swimming in it

4 years wasted with nothing gained

she was wrong

wrong in everyone should be good in their studies

wrong in everyone should has a passion for their studies

wrong in giving a failure a death sentence

wrong in making people feel bad about themselves when they already feeling worse

come to think of it

yesterday sermon was like a preview of what is going to happen today

here is why God loves us

even though bad things still happen

but He did this to discipline us and it always ends with encouragement and hope

it has been a week

3 empty space without signature

time is ticking away

days are numbered

when things out of control we pray

so I prayed

god is not magic lamp

He wont make it goes away without letting us to know His will in this challenge

and this challenge is the subsequent of my work

no one to blame but myself

I figured out His will last night

here is His will

which worth all of this

He is not a magic lamp

but He is a comforter

I shouldn't pray for the empty space to be filled

I should pray for my heart to be filled with his forever never ending peace

and with that,

I see things differently

not with negativity

but with a sun-sized big of hope, or even bigger

now I understand why Paul gave thanks to God

when he was in jail

he must be crazy, 

because his faith for Jesus got him into prison

why? why? why he still able to give thanks?

it was always a mystery to me

but now i know

give thanks in good and bad,

for He gives us peace and hope!

He is to teach me to be humble

remind me to improve to be better

and most importantly, no matter what happened, is to rely on Him

so I can be faultless, perfectly imperfect in his eyes

1 more hour

before Dr. Lee come back from her lunch break

I cant deny that even though I have Jesus

but i am still worried and afraid

butterflies in my stomach

but hope in my heart