12:31 in the afternoon
just came out from Dr. Lee office
glad that I am not an easily cry person
glad an hour of scolding was over
I guess
she was right
and wrong at the same time
she asked what did I learnt in this 4 years
I answered with an honest answer
well, part of it
I said I learned a lot, bad and good things
I would have elaborate it if she allows
she was right
right in me being irresponsible for being a student
and she was so right
that I am lazy and I have no intention in changing it
I am one of the fish in the stream,
and I am just following the flow, not swimming in it
4 years wasted with nothing gained
she was wrong
wrong in everyone should be good in their studies
wrong in everyone should has a passion for their studies
wrong in giving a failure a death sentence
wrong in making people feel bad about themselves when they already feeling worse
come to think of it
yesterday sermon was like a preview of what is going to happen today
here is why God loves us
even though bad things still happen
but He did this to discipline us and it always ends with encouragement and hope
it has been a week
3 empty space without signature
time is ticking away
days are numbered
when things out of control we pray
so I prayed
god is not magic lamp
He wont make it goes away without letting us to know His will in this challenge
and this challenge is the subsequent of my work
no one to blame but myself
I figured out His will last night
here is His will
which worth all of this
He is not a magic lamp
but He is a comforter
I shouldn't pray for the empty space to be filled
I should pray for my heart to be filled with his forever never ending peace
and with that,
I see things differently
not with negativity
but with a sun-sized big of hope, or even bigger
now I understand why Paul gave thanks to God
when he was in jail
he must be crazy,
because his faith for Jesus got him into prison
why? why? why he still able to give thanks?
it was always a mystery to me
but now i know
give thanks in good and bad,
for He gives us peace and hope!
He is to teach me to be humble
remind me to improve to be better
and most importantly, no matter what happened, is to rely on Him
so I can be faultless, perfectly imperfect in his eyes
1 more hour
before Dr. Lee come back from her lunch break
I cant deny that even though I have Jesus
but i am still worried and afraid
butterflies in my stomach
but hope in my heart
