It was so wrong to encourage him.
Pure selfishness.
it dint't matter that i'd tried to make my position clear.
If he felt any hope at all this could turn into something other than friendship,
then i hadn't been clear enough.
how could a explain so that he would understand?
i was an empty shell.
like a vacant house,
condemned,
for months i'd been utterly uninhabitable.
now i was a little improved.
the front room was in better repair.
but that was all
just the small piece.
he deserved better than that
better than a one room
falling-down fixer up per.
no amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.
yet i knew that i wouldn't send him away, regardless,
i needed him too much
and i was selfish.
maybe i could make my side clear,
so that he would know to leave me.
i'm in broken pieces.
how much i wished that him had been born my brother,
my flesh and blood brother
so that i wound have some legitimate claim on him
that still left me free of any blame now.
heaven knows i had never wanted to use him,
but i couldn't help but interpret the guilt i felt now to mean that i had.
even more,
i had never meant to love him
one thing i truly knew
knew it in the pit of my stomach,
in the center of my bones
knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet
knew it deep in my empty chest
was how love gave someone the power to break you.
i'd been broken beyond repair.
but i needed him now,
needed him like a drug.
i'd used him as a crutch for too long,
and i was in deeper than i'd planned to go with anyone again.
now i couldn't bear for him to be hurt,
and i couldn't keep from hurting him, either.
he thought time and patience would change me,
and ,though i knew he was dead wrong,
i also knew that i would let him try.
he was my best friend.
i would always love him,
and it would never,ever be enough.



what if he found out about what's on my mind
will he still love me with his whole heart,
no, i knew he won't.....