20170128




现在是半夜4点
今天是新的一年




所以
哥哥和在一起7年的女朋友分了
几个月前
因为分手
而变得堕落
而变得没有了勇气




他说
他想死
很多次




这俩个月
我们几个家人朋友
都不断的给予劝告和陪伴
半夜3点
他突然回忆过去
撑不住了 跑到了顶楼
我们一个个打电话吵醒
再一个个分头去找




就这样
过了2个月
以为好了
以为变好了





可是今天他却说
他已经决定了
明天就道别这个世界
也选好了用什么方式道别这个世界




我想
身为他的妹妹
身为一个能亲眼亲耳听到看到这样的情况的我
到底该带什么心情





生气?

是生气
失恋谁都有
生命不是说有就有的东西


如果生活在这个世界可以那么容易
那么大街上的人都笑嘻嘻了
可是他已经在这个世界生活的很容易了
有地方住也有好吃的食物吃



却能这么自私
谁不想
自私的把自己的感觉放在第一
把别人的痛苦放最后
像个小孩子在玩具店一样
买不到自己要的玩具就躺在地上哭
直到得到为止




他不是小孩子了








我说了
我骂了
我甚至看都不看了






如果有勇气死
却没勇气活
那么勇气到底是什么






我知道死很容易
死很快
5分钟内一定办得到
死很好
什么都可以不用管了


我想他要死没有错
可是错在比很爱他的人早








那天
我到了新的教会
那天他们播了短片
我看了哭了
所以用了RM20把它买下了
以为可以让弟弟看
弟弟却说不想让妈妈孤单
所以这个神他不要






到了这一刻
我才知道我买它的理由了


5分钟前
我鼓起了勇气
和上帝说
我不行了
你来好不好


写了字条
就给了他












不管他最后选择了什么
认识了那个神
至少死了还可以上天堂




我把这个世界上最好的都给了他
是爱他了
对吧





20170126



So I have decided to walk away
and never come back again


Goodbye, my love.






I wonder anyone felt the same way as me


you know
something happened
and it just changed you forever


and no matter how much you cared 
and no matter how much you wanted it to stop, just for once
and no matter how much you wanted to forget 
and no matter how hard you tried to pretend it was nothing
but it just there, repeating itself, again and again


then one day
you woke up and all the energy and happiness in you just used up
and left you with your emptiness and hopelessness
then you said 
screw it! I GIVE UP
just let it be.
and hope that God will make this better
or just simply walk away
or erase your memory
or maybe change your brain
so that you can stop feeling this way
and become who you used to be



I dun understand
why can't it stop

oh darling
why cant you stop?






Trust is like paper
once it is crumbled
it can never be perfect again.



20170123




下午2点15分
我人已告别那里的一切
回到当初的那个地方


不是回到原点
只是迈进另一个旅程
只是刚好这次的旅程是在这里





我一直以为16岁这个年龄最美
潇潇洒洒
花样年华



可是
我现在觉得我现在这个年龄才是最美
虽然不年轻
但是成熟了
虽然还是不够资深
可是却是新的开始





有钱
有时间
有能力
就是这个时候了



我想
我潇潇洒洒的人生才要开始







那天
拿出了日记本
写下这个旅程里要做什么
要进步什么



我想要当上帝的工具
我想要把我买的书都读完
我想要强身健体
我要学一个技能
我想要改掉坏习惯



太多
太多
太多
太多了




因为祂
我才会充满希望
因为有祂
我才会什么都可能做到








12:31 in the afternoon
just came out from Dr. Lee office
glad that I am not an easily cry person
glad an hour of scolding was over







I guess
she was right
and wrong at the same time






she asked what did I learnt in this 4 years
I answered with an honest answer
well, part of it
I said I learned a lot, bad and good things
I would have elaborate it if she allows







she was right
right in me being irresponsible for being a student
and she was so right
that I am lazy and I have no intention in changing it
I am one of the fish in the stream,
and I am just following the flow, not swimming in it
4 years wasted with nothing gained



she was wrong
wrong in everyone should be good in their studies
wrong in everyone should has a passion for their studies
wrong in giving a failure a death sentence
wrong in making people feel bad about themselves when they already feeling worse








come to think of it
yesterday sermon was like a preview of what is going to happen today
here is why God loves us
even though bad things still happen
but He did this to discipline us and it always ends with encouragement and hope









it has been a week
3 empty space without signature
time is ticking away
days are numbered



when things out of control we pray
so I prayed


god is not magic lamp
He wont make it goes away without letting us to know His will in this challenge
and this challenge is the subsequent of my work
no one to blame but myself







I figured out His will last night
here is His will
which worth all of this
He is not a magic lamp
but He is a comforter



I shouldn't pray for the empty space to be filled
I should pray for my heart to be filled with his forever never ending peace
and with that,
I see things differently
not with negativity
but with a sun-sized big of hope, or even bigger







now I understand why Paul gave thanks to God
when he was in jail
he must be crazy, 
because his faith for Jesus got him into prison
why? why? why he still able to give thanks?
it was always a mystery to me
but now i know
give thanks in good and bad,
for He gives us peace and hope!








He is to teach me to be humble
remind me to improve to be better
and most importantly, no matter what happened, is to rely on Him
so I can be faultless, perfectly imperfect in his eyes







1 more hour
before Dr. Lee come back from her lunch break
I cant deny that even though I have Jesus
but i am still worried and afraid
butterflies in my stomach
but hope in my heart